Why are we stressed?
Why are we spending money we don't have?
Scheduling activities we don't have time for?
Worrying whether Aunt Lucy will like what we're giving her...
Sending Christmas cards to people who don't even know us...
Racing for parking spaces at the mall...
Making sarcastic comments to other drivers from the safety of our cars...
Skimping on dinner because we're too busy...
Feeling guilty when we spend money on ourselves instead of a gift for our child...
Allowing the TV ads to influence our buying...to tell us we can visit stores all night long....
Who's Birthday is it?
Do we really know?
Years ago, I walked with my dad through the woods, hunting for running cedar...
We found some...not much, but some....
We found holly, loaded with bright red berries....filled the back seat of the car.
I brought it to my second grade class the last week of school...
Henry walked up to me with a gift. A box wrapped in wedding shower paper...a gift tag with my name, laboriously written: to miss hinman.
Why, thank you, Henry!! Shall I open it now?
Big smile on Henry's face.... dirty little hands holding his love gift to me....
Let me guess...what is in it, Henry? I know I will love it!!
Big toothless smile...it's holly...it's for you!
There in the box lay holly leaves, long dried out berries...it's HOLLY!!
My holly stayed in the back seat of the car...Mom was delighted...she loved holly, too!
Monday, December 21, 2015
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Faith...Mine...
Faith did not cause my Charlie to ride off on the
Honda that cold winter night and not return.
It did not cause my last baby to die because he was too small to live outside my womb.
It did not take Bob from me in the prime of his life....or my puppy to run under the wheels of my car...
And it certainly did not bring that evil man into our home to wreak havoc on all our lives.
None of these things were caused by a Deity who does not care.
And I won't buy into the cynicism that claims that an omnipotent God, a loving God would keep these things from happening.
And so, it is not easy to define Faith, in light of these flaws in my life.
But Faith is there...
I know, because Fear is not. Something happens to me when after the first realization that something is real, I can calm my reality and move from a sometimes catatonic state to one that allows me to function.
Prayer helps...it is my constant "go to" , my only defense against anguish that has followed each and every one of these instances.
We are living in what the Bible says are the End Times....
I'm not sure if that is actually happening right now, but there will certainly be more of the horrors that we have experienced thus far.
Will I see the End in my lifetime? I don't know..... I do know that my faith will be tested, is being tested right now. My greatest concern is, naturally, for my family.....what will they experience?
If I had the power to do anything right now, it would be to infuse in them the belief that in the true End, everything will be alright......
Honda that cold winter night and not return.
It did not cause my last baby to die because he was too small to live outside my womb.
It did not take Bob from me in the prime of his life....or my puppy to run under the wheels of my car...
And it certainly did not bring that evil man into our home to wreak havoc on all our lives.
None of these things were caused by a Deity who does not care.
And I won't buy into the cynicism that claims that an omnipotent God, a loving God would keep these things from happening.
And so, it is not easy to define Faith, in light of these flaws in my life.
But Faith is there...
I know, because Fear is not. Something happens to me when after the first realization that something is real, I can calm my reality and move from a sometimes catatonic state to one that allows me to function.
Prayer helps...it is my constant "go to" , my only defense against anguish that has followed each and every one of these instances.
We are living in what the Bible says are the End Times....
I'm not sure if that is actually happening right now, but there will certainly be more of the horrors that we have experienced thus far.
Will I see the End in my lifetime? I don't know..... I do know that my faith will be tested, is being tested right now. My greatest concern is, naturally, for my family.....what will they experience?
If I had the power to do anything right now, it would be to infuse in them the belief that in the true End, everything will be alright......
Friday, December 11, 2015
Boundaries
There is a fine line that lives in my soul....
This line is there to allow me to live with family members in as much harmony as I am able to control....
It is there because I have spent many years in the presence of older members, and I've tried to note what works....and what doesn't work.
My mom was a wonderful source of help when I had each of my children. I don't know what I would have done without her....I've no doubt that I could have, but it was so much better to have someone helping me whom I trusted to make good decisions re their care....I loved being her daughter! My childhood was good.
When I was tired, Mom would tell me to rest....and I did.
I would wake up refreshed, and there would be wonderful smells coming from the kitchen...cookies? Dinner?
The kids would be playing...she would be singing...there was peace in my home.
When our house was being built, we would pack up the kids and spend Saturdays at "the property", loving our home before we could even live in it!!
We could smell dinner from a block away when we returned to our Colonial Beach house that evening...All we had to do was take our places at the table she had prepared for us....To this day, I equate food with love!
Speaking of love, Mom LOVED Charlie....She called him "Good old Charlie", and he returned that sentiment. The only time she almost crossed my line was when she would start a sentence with 'TELL Charlie to...." and MY reply was "I don't TELL Charlie to do anything....I ASK him!"
Now, where did that come from?
Most of what I got from living with my parents was a sense of what was right...all the things that prepare one for getting along in a diverse world...I could go on and on about that....
I watched my parents interact, and they did the customary things: My dad went to work. Mom stayed home, kept a nice house, raised her two children, fixed him breakfast every morning, walked him to the car, kissed him, waved till the car disappeared.
So, what happened? What HAPPENED???
Lack of communication....
She nagged him....he withdrew...slept a lot when he got home....
I HATED it when we painted the living room...symptomatic arguing...."You missed a spot!"
Two truly fine people...Stubborn people...
After I left with my husband to go to Hawaii, they split up...divorced...
Sad, because I've never ever known such good role models for their own children and other peoples' children as well....except for that shortcoming in both of them!
So I didn't TELL Charlie to do anything....I ASKED him!
....and if he didn't do it, I'd do it....And most of the time, I did a good job.
But, if not, Oh, well.......And he would FIX it!
I SO loved my Charlie!
My parents were good to my children. But Mom, trying to help, would often repeat what I had told my children to do...it was, I felt, up to me to follow up when a request had been ignored or disobeyed..... They didn't need to get it in "Stereo".... So it really did bother me to have her jump in on my discipline. I feel it important to remember that when in this home with three generations living together.
And I HAVE caught myself doing that very thing! Have I forgotten how it bugged me?These are THEIR children....they are doing quite well without my input...
Billy works long hours, commutes to northern Virginia, comes home late at night.
His children are so excited when he comes home, you'd think he'd been gone for days! Their bedtimes are unimportant....seeing their dad IS!
The babies love each other...they roll around on the floor, chase each other, bounce on the furniture (mine, too!).... they just enjoy their surroundings and each other unimpeded by a lot of unnecessary limitations.... they are loud, they are happy, they are wonderful!!
So I hope they don't remember me as a killjoy who chases them around in my space and stops them from touching my "stuff"!
My antiques and paintings are, generally out of reach (as well as off-limits). I don't intervene when they're rolling around on the carpet or jumping from sofa to chair, but draw the line at making me coffee in my Keurig, pulling all the tissues out of the box, paddling in the toilet or the dog's water bowl....
(Eating the dogfood is between their mother and them.)
I remind myself they will be grown before I know it, and I will miss those funny little people doing what funny little people do!
This line is there to allow me to live with family members in as much harmony as I am able to control....
It is there because I have spent many years in the presence of older members, and I've tried to note what works....and what doesn't work.
My mom was a wonderful source of help when I had each of my children. I don't know what I would have done without her....I've no doubt that I could have, but it was so much better to have someone helping me whom I trusted to make good decisions re their care....I loved being her daughter! My childhood was good.
When I was tired, Mom would tell me to rest....and I did.
I would wake up refreshed, and there would be wonderful smells coming from the kitchen...cookies? Dinner?
The kids would be playing...she would be singing...there was peace in my home.
When our house was being built, we would pack up the kids and spend Saturdays at "the property", loving our home before we could even live in it!!
We could smell dinner from a block away when we returned to our Colonial Beach house that evening...All we had to do was take our places at the table she had prepared for us....To this day, I equate food with love!
Speaking of love, Mom LOVED Charlie....She called him "Good old Charlie", and he returned that sentiment. The only time she almost crossed my line was when she would start a sentence with 'TELL Charlie to...." and MY reply was "I don't TELL Charlie to do anything....I ASK him!"
Now, where did that come from?
Most of what I got from living with my parents was a sense of what was right...all the things that prepare one for getting along in a diverse world...I could go on and on about that....
I watched my parents interact, and they did the customary things: My dad went to work. Mom stayed home, kept a nice house, raised her two children, fixed him breakfast every morning, walked him to the car, kissed him, waved till the car disappeared.
So, what happened? What HAPPENED???
Lack of communication....
She nagged him....he withdrew...slept a lot when he got home....
I HATED it when we painted the living room...symptomatic arguing...."You missed a spot!"
Two truly fine people...Stubborn people...
After I left with my husband to go to Hawaii, they split up...divorced...
Sad, because I've never ever known such good role models for their own children and other peoples' children as well....except for that shortcoming in both of them!
So I didn't TELL Charlie to do anything....I ASKED him!
....and if he didn't do it, I'd do it....And most of the time, I did a good job.
But, if not, Oh, well.......And he would FIX it!
I SO loved my Charlie!
My parents were good to my children. But Mom, trying to help, would often repeat what I had told my children to do...it was, I felt, up to me to follow up when a request had been ignored or disobeyed..... They didn't need to get it in "Stereo".... So it really did bother me to have her jump in on my discipline. I feel it important to remember that when in this home with three generations living together.
And I HAVE caught myself doing that very thing! Have I forgotten how it bugged me?These are THEIR children....they are doing quite well without my input...
Billy works long hours, commutes to northern Virginia, comes home late at night.
His children are so excited when he comes home, you'd think he'd been gone for days! Their bedtimes are unimportant....seeing their dad IS!
The babies love each other...they roll around on the floor, chase each other, bounce on the furniture (mine, too!).... they just enjoy their surroundings and each other unimpeded by a lot of unnecessary limitations.... they are loud, they are happy, they are wonderful!!
So I hope they don't remember me as a killjoy who chases them around in my space and stops them from touching my "stuff"!
My antiques and paintings are, generally out of reach (as well as off-limits). I don't intervene when they're rolling around on the carpet or jumping from sofa to chair, but draw the line at making me coffee in my Keurig, pulling all the tissues out of the box, paddling in the toilet or the dog's water bowl....
(Eating the dogfood is between their mother and them.)
I remind myself they will be grown before I know it, and I will miss those funny little people doing what funny little people do!
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Uncle Peter
Today I want to tell you about Uncle Peter....
There was Burr, Henry, Bill the Butcher, Uncle Peter, and John (my father-in-law).
Uncle Peter never married. He lived happily on his little plot of land in California, a rice farmer in his younger years and a confirmed batchelor when I met him.
Peter was Charlie's favorite....he visited often as Charlie was growing up, and there were ways of his that endeared him to his young nephews.
Uncle Peter knew how to make a bed. He demonstrated to his proteges:
If you will get out of bed via the head of the bed, you can pull up the covers in one fell swoop, placing the pillow where the pillow belongs....VOILA! Done!!
There were other wonderful things about Uncle Peter, but this is about the Uncle Peter that I knew back in 1958.
There was Burr, Henry, Bill the Butcher, Uncle Peter, and John (my father-in-law).
Uncle Peter never married. He lived happily on his little plot of land in California, a rice farmer in his younger years and a confirmed batchelor when I met him.
Peter was Charlie's favorite....he visited often as Charlie was growing up, and there were ways of his that endeared him to his young nephews.
Uncle Peter knew how to make a bed. He demonstrated to his proteges:
If you will get out of bed via the head of the bed, you can pull up the covers in one fell swoop, placing the pillow where the pillow belongs....VOILA! Done!!
There were other wonderful things about Uncle Peter, but this is about the Uncle Peter that I knew back in 1958.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
A space of my own.
I live with Jenny and Billy and their four children.
At age 79, I feel very, very blessed....I am part of their every day happenings, while, at the same time, I have a life of my own.
My living space is as I like it, with things I have chosen to keep from my past and things I have assembled for convenience in my future.
I have a Keurig coffeemaker in my room...a microwave...a toaster.
Outside my room, in a curtained alcove, is my "wet bar" (a refrigerator -freezer that holds a ten pound bag of ice), a shelf for glasses and other supplies so I can entertain....that is important to me!
In short, I have it good!
The great grandchildren come in and out of my space freely. I spend a lot of time heading them away from things that mean trouble: Loralei (age 1) loves toilets...and the dog's water dish. She is very artful at getting past me and paddling in both!
There is a toy box under the antique table that sits by my window, with blocks and toy cars and dolls, all of which they rarely play with....they'd rather jump on my bed!
Speaking of which, I have a new one.... Taking out the double bed and putting in a single bed freed up space in my tiny room.
"You won't like it", they told me.... "You're used to a big bed all your own....what will you do when William comes in and announces he wants to sleep in your bed with his Nonny?"
Well, he's in there now....he has been since 9 last night. I slept my usual four hours, got up, made coffee....William is still there....
I slept quite well.
There will ALWAYS be room for these little people in my bed...
I am very, very blessed!!
At age 79, I feel very, very blessed....I am part of their every day happenings, while, at the same time, I have a life of my own.
My living space is as I like it, with things I have chosen to keep from my past and things I have assembled for convenience in my future.
I have a Keurig coffeemaker in my room...a microwave...a toaster.
Outside my room, in a curtained alcove, is my "wet bar" (a refrigerator -freezer that holds a ten pound bag of ice), a shelf for glasses and other supplies so I can entertain....that is important to me!
In short, I have it good!
The great grandchildren come in and out of my space freely. I spend a lot of time heading them away from things that mean trouble: Loralei (age 1) loves toilets...and the dog's water dish. She is very artful at getting past me and paddling in both!
There is a toy box under the antique table that sits by my window, with blocks and toy cars and dolls, all of which they rarely play with....they'd rather jump on my bed!
Speaking of which, I have a new one.... Taking out the double bed and putting in a single bed freed up space in my tiny room.
"You won't like it", they told me.... "You're used to a big bed all your own....what will you do when William comes in and announces he wants to sleep in your bed with his Nonny?"
Well, he's in there now....he has been since 9 last night. I slept my usual four hours, got up, made coffee....William is still there....
I slept quite well.
There will ALWAYS be room for these little people in my bed...
I am very, very blessed!!
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Change... It is inevitable
I woke up this morning and looked in the bathroom mirror.
And, to reassure myself, I had to think back.....waaaaay back...
It is fair to say that years ago, I was a "looker".
Dark brown, shiny hair. Very tiny waist (we girls took pride in that!)
Nice skin, nice legs, trim ankles....
Straight teeth, thanks to the orthodontist...
A little pink lipstick, some Chanel #5, and I was good to go!
At 13, I had my first glimpse of my Charlie... Now, THERE was a "Looker"!!!
He was standing in front of the Boys bathroom, arms around Milly Britain's waist.
Obviously, not aware of me or of anyone but Milly Britain....
But, I was aware....and I must have had some instinct about guys, because I told no one about my discovery....not even my best friend....NO one!
Then, one day four years later, he asked me for a date....and we went out....and three years from then, we married.
There is a lot more to this tale than this simple sequence, but I'll save that for later. For now, I'm writing about "change".
This morning, as in every morning, I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror.
And I saw the change, just as I always do....
And I look thus:
My eyes....There is an itchy redness that no doctor can explain.... The right eye droops so that it covers part of my pupil. The left one, too, but not enough..... So insurance will only pay for one surgery.
I am, for now, accepting the fact that my eyes are no longer bright. I think they resemble "Two pee-holes in the snow"....
My posture is awful!
Mom used to say "Stand up straight!" when I was a little girl...wish I had listened....
I have jowls...saggy sides of my once heart-shaped face....and wrinkles!! Oh, dear, I really thought I would not get them!
And, speaking of wrinkles, my arms are all ripply...if I hold them up like I'm being robbed, they look fine...can't do that, though!
Leg wrinkles are the worst....remember the story "The Camel With the Wrinkly Knees"?
That's me.....
Saggy, baggy, lumpy, bumpy...... I can cry, or I can laugh.
This morning I'm laughing.... might as well.
Today I'm kind of rough looking, but:
Today I'm kind of rough looking, but:
I was once a "Looker"....
(I really was!)
Oh, well............
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Pushing Eighty
It seems they won't let me start another blogspot... So I'll just have to mix it in with my Musings spot and later separate my writings. I can do that!
Today came a Bluetooth Keyboard....Magic to me....so thankful that I don't have to buy a laptop. My tablet works just fine!
Hoping to take advantage of those early morning awakenings, when my mind is empty, clear, happy and ready to say what I feel... to recall things I don't want to forget... to apologize sometimes ....
I'm finding myself in that mode right now.
To my Mother-in-law: I couldn't have asked for a better one!
Over and over she would say that she always wanted daughters. That she didn't have them, so her sons brought her some....
My father-in-law concurred. He made over Peggy and me, taking our sides when he thought we needed him.
Peggy wanted a dog. She picked the ugliest, stinkiest mutt imaginable, and with "Granddad's" blessing , brought him home...
If sides were taken, it was always, ALWAYS with us!
So, why the apology?
After Grandad died, she came to live with us. She was, at that stage of her life, fragile...
Her heart was acting up. Her home was in an isolated spot in the wilds of West Virginia. Some "River Rats " broke into her home...no way could she stay there alone.
When she came to us, I was not at my best. I was confined to a "halo" to stabilize my neck...a benign bone tumor had been removed from a vertebra... I looked kinda like the Frankenstein Monster with the godawful thing screwed to my forehead... a body cast from shoulder to hips.....
Gotta tell about that sweet man we called "Granddad"...
They spent that Christmas with us...He asked what I would like as my gift... A BIRD FEEDER! All I wanted was a bird feeder, so I could sit at my kitchen table and watch them.
I got it, of course..... He built me one... He climbed a tall ladder up to the second story and installed it....
He said goodbye and drove his "frau" home to their little yellow house in the woods.
He brought in wood and laid a fire in their Franklin stove...
And then.....he had a Stroke!
We went to the hospital in Winchester. He looked up at me and held on to the bar that connected my halo to my torso.... I saw love...I saw awareness, compassion....I felt the same for him.......I loved my father-in-law....
New Year's Eve. ...
Sitting at our kitchen table with our friends, as always...10 o'clock, the phone rings...
Our dear "Grandad" has died......
We are glad we are with our friends. We need them....
Not long after, we bring "Arbo" to live with us....She can't stay there with those River Rats looking to steal from her. And she is having health issues.... not the best situation, but we do our best. And, thanks to Brooksie, we make it work!
Arbo has a bedroom right off the family room...a full bath right next to it...When we built our house I insisted the large room the size of a two car garage would have a small bedroom and a full bath, and I was right to insist. It has had constant use.
She had a place of her own near our family activities....no stairs to climb, her grandchildren around her. It was, for her, ideal.
Somehow, with my family's help, in spite of my temporary disability, we made it work. She was pleasant and grateful and loving.....and, at times, demanding.
Her furniture had to come with her. The slipcover on the couch that she added to my already furnished living room was pretty, but it clashed with my decor. I pulled it off and underneath found a pretty white brocade sofa, but she was afraid it would get soiled. So it went back on....
My privacy was slipping away...and my freedom! My friends (bless them) would come to see me EVERY DAY... My screws that held my halo in place had to be cleaned, and Pattie and Jane saw to it that instructions were followed......We often would go to lunch (I couldn't drive)....and Arbo was always welcome.
But I was sometimes grouchy. Tired of my limitations...wanted to fly, but my wings were clipped... wanted to talk with my friends, go to lunch with my friends, and not always, always with my mother-in -law!
And wishing the awful GUILT that I felt because I felt this way would leave me.....But it didn't.....and that lady who birthed my wonderful mate lived with us for six years.
How did she feel?
I know how I felt when three times in a week she had doctor appointments....when we couldn't leave on time for the beach because she had a "spell"....
I also know how I felt when she touched my cheek and thanked me for seeing she got her meds at 2 AM...She said she loved me. I loved her...and I told her so....
Today, I am "Arbo"....I live with my granddaughter... And I am well-aware of the good and the not-so-good that WILL be part of this situation.
Bringing up the subject at the onset, I knew she didn't understand. She was a baby when Arbo lived with us.
She never saw me greet her grandfather at the door with the steely look of assertiveness, clenched teeth and say "WE are going out to dinner tonight....arent' WE?"
She never saw me sneak away to the tree swing with a can of beer and stay there till I calmed down....or go to Walmart and buy things we didn't need...just to get away.
And she needs to know how horrible I felt when we put her great grandmother in the nursing home because Charlie had an assignment in Hawaii and we had no alternative....
It did not go well....she was angry....she was scared, abandoned.
She died two weeks later.
Very few things scare me, but this does....I don't want to reach the stage in my life where I'm totally dependent on anyone...and I don't want Jenny and Billy to go from the busy, exciting, hectic time of raising their little family to the responsibility of caring for me.
Since I remember, I want them to know that they must choose what is best for their family. My life has been wonderful; still is wonderful....Whatever they decide is OK with me.
I live here...I love it here...I don't want to spoil it!
Today came a Bluetooth Keyboard....Magic to me....so thankful that I don't have to buy a laptop. My tablet works just fine!
Hoping to take advantage of those early morning awakenings, when my mind is empty, clear, happy and ready to say what I feel... to recall things I don't want to forget... to apologize sometimes ....
I'm finding myself in that mode right now.
To my Mother-in-law: I couldn't have asked for a better one!
Over and over she would say that she always wanted daughters. That she didn't have them, so her sons brought her some....
My father-in-law concurred. He made over Peggy and me, taking our sides when he thought we needed him.
Peggy wanted a dog. She picked the ugliest, stinkiest mutt imaginable, and with "Granddad's" blessing , brought him home...
If sides were taken, it was always, ALWAYS with us!
So, why the apology?
After Grandad died, she came to live with us. She was, at that stage of her life, fragile...
Her heart was acting up. Her home was in an isolated spot in the wilds of West Virginia. Some "River Rats " broke into her home...no way could she stay there alone.
When she came to us, I was not at my best. I was confined to a "halo" to stabilize my neck...a benign bone tumor had been removed from a vertebra... I looked kinda like the Frankenstein Monster with the godawful thing screwed to my forehead... a body cast from shoulder to hips.....
Gotta tell about that sweet man we called "Granddad"...
They spent that Christmas with us...He asked what I would like as my gift... A BIRD FEEDER! All I wanted was a bird feeder, so I could sit at my kitchen table and watch them.
I got it, of course..... He built me one... He climbed a tall ladder up to the second story and installed it....
He said goodbye and drove his "frau" home to their little yellow house in the woods.
He brought in wood and laid a fire in their Franklin stove...
And then.....he had a Stroke!
We went to the hospital in Winchester. He looked up at me and held on to the bar that connected my halo to my torso.... I saw love...I saw awareness, compassion....I felt the same for him.......I loved my father-in-law....
New Year's Eve. ...
Sitting at our kitchen table with our friends, as always...10 o'clock, the phone rings...
Our dear "Grandad" has died......
We are glad we are with our friends. We need them....
Not long after, we bring "Arbo" to live with us....She can't stay there with those River Rats looking to steal from her. And she is having health issues.... not the best situation, but we do our best. And, thanks to Brooksie, we make it work!
Arbo has a bedroom right off the family room...a full bath right next to it...When we built our house I insisted the large room the size of a two car garage would have a small bedroom and a full bath, and I was right to insist. It has had constant use.
She had a place of her own near our family activities....no stairs to climb, her grandchildren around her. It was, for her, ideal.
Somehow, with my family's help, in spite of my temporary disability, we made it work. She was pleasant and grateful and loving.....and, at times, demanding.
Her furniture had to come with her. The slipcover on the couch that she added to my already furnished living room was pretty, but it clashed with my decor. I pulled it off and underneath found a pretty white brocade sofa, but she was afraid it would get soiled. So it went back on....
My privacy was slipping away...and my freedom! My friends (bless them) would come to see me EVERY DAY... My screws that held my halo in place had to be cleaned, and Pattie and Jane saw to it that instructions were followed......We often would go to lunch (I couldn't drive)....and Arbo was always welcome.
But I was sometimes grouchy. Tired of my limitations...wanted to fly, but my wings were clipped... wanted to talk with my friends, go to lunch with my friends, and not always, always with my mother-in -law!
And wishing the awful GUILT that I felt because I felt this way would leave me.....But it didn't.....and that lady who birthed my wonderful mate lived with us for six years.
How did she feel?
I know how I felt when three times in a week she had doctor appointments....when we couldn't leave on time for the beach because she had a "spell"....
I also know how I felt when she touched my cheek and thanked me for seeing she got her meds at 2 AM...She said she loved me. I loved her...and I told her so....
Today, I am "Arbo"....I live with my granddaughter... And I am well-aware of the good and the not-so-good that WILL be part of this situation.
Bringing up the subject at the onset, I knew she didn't understand. She was a baby when Arbo lived with us.
She never saw me greet her grandfather at the door with the steely look of assertiveness, clenched teeth and say "WE are going out to dinner tonight....arent' WE?"
She never saw me sneak away to the tree swing with a can of beer and stay there till I calmed down....or go to Walmart and buy things we didn't need...just to get away.
And she needs to know how horrible I felt when we put her great grandmother in the nursing home because Charlie had an assignment in Hawaii and we had no alternative....
It did not go well....she was angry....she was scared, abandoned.
She died two weeks later.
Very few things scare me, but this does....I don't want to reach the stage in my life where I'm totally dependent on anyone...and I don't want Jenny and Billy to go from the busy, exciting, hectic time of raising their little family to the responsibility of caring for me.
Since I remember, I want them to know that they must choose what is best for their family. My life has been wonderful; still is wonderful....Whatever they decide is OK with me.
I live here...I love it here...I don't want to spoil it!
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
Dimes
Returning to my blog, I think I'll write about dimes.
I haven't found any in quite awhile; perhaps a month, but dimes have meaning to Jenny and me. They mean Bob is around us.
Pennies we find all the time....We pick up these "pennies from heaven", put them in our pockets and go on our way.
One day the pennies stopped.....really stopped.... we started to find dimes.
A dime on the bathroom rug.. dimes in the washer, the car floorboard. One morning there was one in front of my coffeemaker. It was NOT there the night before when I set it up for morning coffee.
We found them every day. On the pavement...in a pocket, alone with no other coins....on the kitchen counter.....always alone!
And no pennies....at all...for a long time....
Clearly, this was not in our minds!
They have stopped now....It has been a few months since they quit coming, but not before what we saw as the grand finale:
Jenny took a fit of cleaning...moved every piece of furniture, mopped the floor, changed the room around. The couch was heavy, but she moved it...
There, among the dust bunnies, were dimes....no other coins...NINE of them!
We don't need to find them any more. We have acknowledged their source.
We really don't need to be convinced!
I haven't found any in quite awhile; perhaps a month, but dimes have meaning to Jenny and me. They mean Bob is around us.
Pennies we find all the time....We pick up these "pennies from heaven", put them in our pockets and go on our way.
One day the pennies stopped.....really stopped.... we started to find dimes.
A dime on the bathroom rug.. dimes in the washer, the car floorboard. One morning there was one in front of my coffeemaker. It was NOT there the night before when I set it up for morning coffee.
We found them every day. On the pavement...in a pocket, alone with no other coins....on the kitchen counter.....always alone!
And no pennies....at all...for a long time....
Clearly, this was not in our minds!
They have stopped now....It has been a few months since they quit coming, but not before what we saw as the grand finale:
Jenny took a fit of cleaning...moved every piece of furniture, mopped the floor, changed the room around. The couch was heavy, but she moved it...
There, among the dust bunnies, were dimes....no other coins...NINE of them!
We don't need to find them any more. We have acknowledged their source.
We really don't need to be convinced!
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
I will WRITE!
I am going to be a writer.
There...... I've said it....I know we all are "writers", but I really do mean it!
I will call my writings "Pushing Eighty", unless some other little-old-lady has stolen my idea...
Right now I have a space in a resale shop. I scour Goodwills daily for "stuff" I can fill my shelves with and tempt the public to buy and lug home to make their homes pretty.
It's fun....It's something for me to do.... My heart begins pounding the minute I put my car in park outside a Goodwill store....it is EXCITING!!!
But it's a "for now" occupation..... I'm not getting rich...Truth is, I'm kinda going in the hole each month, but how would I know? I am not a business person!
Money from my annuity leaks out until I can't determine what I've spent vs what I'm making each month!
I'm OK, but one purpose of this endeavor was to supplement my income...it's probably a "wash" at best!
My practical self says I should fold....the one on my other shoulder says "Oh, but you ENJOY it!" and "What would you do instead?" and "Ya gotta do SOMETHING.....Bingo????"
And my family says the same: You're happy......we're happy! They say that because they love me...they say that because I don't whine all the time and follow them around and talk about my arthritis!!!
So now I'm back to what I was starting to say....
When I "fold", something must take its place. Not gonna sit around...NOT gonna play bingo or go to lunch every day with friends and spend money at Walmart...not going to Europe (I like it HERE!)
Gotta do something....gonna WRITE!
EVERY morning I'm up at "O-dark-thirty"...and that's when it's quiet....I'm not lonely....I'm THINKING! I'm remembering all kinds of things, experiences, happy times, sad times...
You see, that's what "old people" do: We remember stuff from a looooonnnng time ago...
It's comforting, because we can't remember why we just walked into the kitchen....
At least we can remember SOMETHING!!!
And so, I'll write!!!
End of today's blog...gotta edit...gotta stop being so WORDY!
Nobody will read it if I don't!
There...... I've said it....I know we all are "writers", but I really do mean it!
I will call my writings "Pushing Eighty", unless some other little-old-lady has stolen my idea...
Right now I have a space in a resale shop. I scour Goodwills daily for "stuff" I can fill my shelves with and tempt the public to buy and lug home to make their homes pretty.
It's fun....It's something for me to do.... My heart begins pounding the minute I put my car in park outside a Goodwill store....it is EXCITING!!!
But it's a "for now" occupation..... I'm not getting rich...Truth is, I'm kinda going in the hole each month, but how would I know? I am not a business person!
Money from my annuity leaks out until I can't determine what I've spent vs what I'm making each month!
I'm OK, but one purpose of this endeavor was to supplement my income...it's probably a "wash" at best!
My practical self says I should fold....the one on my other shoulder says "Oh, but you ENJOY it!" and "What would you do instead?" and "Ya gotta do SOMETHING.....Bingo????"
And my family says the same: You're happy......we're happy! They say that because they love me...they say that because I don't whine all the time and follow them around and talk about my arthritis!!!
So now I'm back to what I was starting to say....
When I "fold", something must take its place. Not gonna sit around...NOT gonna play bingo or go to lunch every day with friends and spend money at Walmart...not going to Europe (I like it HERE!)
Gotta do something....gonna WRITE!
EVERY morning I'm up at "O-dark-thirty"...and that's when it's quiet....I'm not lonely....I'm THINKING! I'm remembering all kinds of things, experiences, happy times, sad times...
You see, that's what "old people" do: We remember stuff from a looooonnnng time ago...
It's comforting, because we can't remember why we just walked into the kitchen....
At least we can remember SOMETHING!!!
And so, I'll write!!!
End of today's blog...gotta edit...gotta stop being so WORDY!
Nobody will read it if I don't!
Friday, August 21, 2015
Sleeping with Benjamin
This post will likely be brief. I am sitting across the room from my bedmate. His blond fuzzy hair shining in the light of my cellphone.
I had hoped he would sleep just as he usually does, but he's spotted me and so, that is not likely!
This is my first night with Benjamin. He's here because the kitchen renovation has gone far into the night, and it is no place for a busy little guy. They are building cement countertops, so separating him from the project is a no-brainer!
Brooksie sleeps in the next room. We are going to dinner at a friend's house tomorrow... she probably is thinking she should have declined the invitation. A weekend here with no kitchen may not be her idea of a fun time, but she's a good sport!
Trying to keep Benjamin in bed (it's 5 AM) is working...so far. At seven, the family leaves for a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge. And Brooks and I will see what fun thing we can do while they're gone.
At a time when most people are settled down dealing with the issues of old age, I find myself smack in the middle of stepping over toys, washing applesauce off little hands, hunting for shoes....
I wouldn't trade last night with that little guy in my bed for anything in this world....but I sure hope I have a few more minutes before I have to close the bathroom door.... (Benjamin loves toilets!)
I had hoped he would sleep just as he usually does, but he's spotted me and so, that is not likely!
This is my first night with Benjamin. He's here because the kitchen renovation has gone far into the night, and it is no place for a busy little guy. They are building cement countertops, so separating him from the project is a no-brainer!
Brooksie sleeps in the next room. We are going to dinner at a friend's house tomorrow... she probably is thinking she should have declined the invitation. A weekend here with no kitchen may not be her idea of a fun time, but she's a good sport!
Trying to keep Benjamin in bed (it's 5 AM) is working...so far. At seven, the family leaves for a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge. And Brooks and I will see what fun thing we can do while they're gone.
At a time when most people are settled down dealing with the issues of old age, I find myself smack in the middle of stepping over toys, washing applesauce off little hands, hunting for shoes....
I wouldn't trade last night with that little guy in my bed for anything in this world....but I sure hope I have a few more minutes before I have to close the bathroom door.... (Benjamin loves toilets!)
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
My Liberation
I have just yanked the tag off my pretty flowered bedspread. Not cut, YANKED it off!
Ignored that warning not to do it under penalty of law. What, for heaven's sake, can they possibly do to me?
Should have done it years ago, to every pillow, mattress cover, fluffy quilt......always was aggravated by those things! Today I read the next part: "Except by Consumer" .....YEARS of leaving on those pesky things for fear of breaking some stupid law....never took the time to read the "consumer permission" part.
Silly thing to write about, but it is symbolic of my attitude now. There are things that just don't matter anymore! I don"t have to get all antsy when traffic is heavy. Where am I going, anyway, that's so important? My Charlie drove back and forth from DC for years, never complained about traffic. Put on his "tunes" and got there when he got there!
Snow: All the grumbling in the world won't change the weather. We get what we get! And wasn't that last snow the most beautiful? Ever?
That tree might fall on the house.....yeah, it might....so?
The thing on my forehead might be melanoma....yeah, it might....so?
I forget things. I have to write them down or I might not be home when someone says she will be by.... I will tell you all about a place I've been this week, and you will say you were with me....
My cooking used to be wonderful...now there are many failures.....so? My granddaughter can cook VERY well!!
I used to be pretty....dark brown shiny hair, a tiny waist, big enough boobs. no need for makeup, but for lipstick...a date on Saturday night.
Now I have wrinkles, a big belly, gray hair, hairs on my CHIN......so?
Ignored that warning not to do it under penalty of law. What, for heaven's sake, can they possibly do to me?
Should have done it years ago, to every pillow, mattress cover, fluffy quilt......always was aggravated by those things! Today I read the next part: "Except by Consumer" .....YEARS of leaving on those pesky things for fear of breaking some stupid law....never took the time to read the "consumer permission" part.
Silly thing to write about, but it is symbolic of my attitude now. There are things that just don't matter anymore! I don"t have to get all antsy when traffic is heavy. Where am I going, anyway, that's so important? My Charlie drove back and forth from DC for years, never complained about traffic. Put on his "tunes" and got there when he got there!
Snow: All the grumbling in the world won't change the weather. We get what we get! And wasn't that last snow the most beautiful? Ever?
That tree might fall on the house.....yeah, it might....so?
The thing on my forehead might be melanoma....yeah, it might....so?
I forget things. I have to write them down or I might not be home when someone says she will be by.... I will tell you all about a place I've been this week, and you will say you were with me....
My cooking used to be wonderful...now there are many failures.....so? My granddaughter can cook VERY well!!
I used to be pretty....dark brown shiny hair, a tiny waist, big enough boobs. no need for makeup, but for lipstick...a date on Saturday night.
Now I have wrinkles, a big belly, gray hair, hairs on my CHIN......so?
Five years later...a perspective.
Five years ago I was in California, refreshing my life. Today I am looking back on the years since then, and realize there are events that I haven't written about....
But I will...
Right now, I will recall the most recent one. It is important that I do so.
I have started blogging on Facebook. I don't know why I do that, because here is where I should be blogging....But Facebook I find to be a real time support system. And the past week was horrible for me....Facebook friends gave me immediate support.
I had written a joyous, thankful post about Abbie...I said how much I loved her. I said that I would never be lonely with my Abbie by my side. There were two pictures of her as I tried to express my happy feelings that morning....
As is my custom, I packed my car with new things for my shop. My friend Jeanmarie and I were to go to a few Goodwills and then to our spaces in Two Times New.
Abbie was outside, as was Izzie....she wouldn't come in...
That was OK.... she often liked to stay out, and the Invisible Fence keeps her on the property.
We started out the driveway. Both dogs chasing and barking... I sped up.
We have always done that. We have told others to do that...
Stopping, I thought, would encourage the behavior...
Then that awful thud.
My Abbie!!!
I had run over my Abbie!!!!!
I ran to her and picked her up....there was no blood, no yelps of pain...
Her eyes were glazed, and I knew......I held her like a newborn. She looked at me, and I think I saw love in her eyes...I hope so...
And then she was gone....
How many times have we been told to cherish the ones we love, to cherish the moment, for tomorrow has no guarantee?
Now I know why....
I know why.
I cherished my Abbie...I openly and privately told her...
But I don't feel better.
I don't.
But I will...
Right now, I will recall the most recent one. It is important that I do so.
I have started blogging on Facebook. I don't know why I do that, because here is where I should be blogging....But Facebook I find to be a real time support system. And the past week was horrible for me....Facebook friends gave me immediate support.
I had written a joyous, thankful post about Abbie...I said how much I loved her. I said that I would never be lonely with my Abbie by my side. There were two pictures of her as I tried to express my happy feelings that morning....
As is my custom, I packed my car with new things for my shop. My friend Jeanmarie and I were to go to a few Goodwills and then to our spaces in Two Times New.
Abbie was outside, as was Izzie....she wouldn't come in...
That was OK.... she often liked to stay out, and the Invisible Fence keeps her on the property.
We started out the driveway. Both dogs chasing and barking... I sped up.
We have always done that. We have told others to do that...
Stopping, I thought, would encourage the behavior...
Then that awful thud.
My Abbie!!!
I had run over my Abbie!!!!!
I ran to her and picked her up....there was no blood, no yelps of pain...
Her eyes were glazed, and I knew......I held her like a newborn. She looked at me, and I think I saw love in her eyes...I hope so...
And then she was gone....
How many times have we been told to cherish the ones we love, to cherish the moment, for tomorrow has no guarantee?
Now I know why....
I know why.
I cherished my Abbie...I openly and privately told her...
But I don't feel better.
I don't.
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