Boundaries

There is a fine line that lives in my soul....
This line is there to allow me to live with family members in as much harmony as I am able to control....
It is there because I have spent many years in the presence of older members, and I've tried to note what works....and what doesn't work.
My mom was a wonderful source of help when I had each of my children. I don't know what I would have done without her....I've no doubt that I could have, but it was so much better to have someone helping me whom I trusted to make good decisions re their care....I loved being her daughter! My childhood was good.

When I was tired, Mom would tell me to rest....and I did.
I would wake up refreshed, and there would be wonderful smells coming from the kitchen...cookies? Dinner?
The kids would be playing...she would be singing...there was peace in my home.

When our house was being built, we would pack up the kids and spend Saturdays at "the property", loving our home before we could even live in it!!
We could smell dinner from a block away when we returned to our Colonial Beach house that evening...All we had to do was take our places at the table she had prepared for us....To this day, I equate food with love!

Speaking of love, Mom LOVED Charlie....She called him "Good old Charlie", and he returned that sentiment. The only time she almost crossed my line was when she would start a sentence with 'TELL Charlie to...." and MY reply was "I don't TELL Charlie to do anything....I ASK him!"

Now, where did that come from?
Most of what I got from living with my parents was a sense of what was right...all the things that prepare one for getting along in a diverse world...I could go on and on about that....
I watched my parents interact, and they did the customary things: My dad went to work. Mom stayed home, kept a nice house, raised her two children, fixed him breakfast every morning, walked him to the car, kissed him, waved till the car disappeared.

So, what happened? What HAPPENED???
Lack of communication....
She nagged him....he withdrew...slept a lot when he got home....
I HATED it when we painted the living room...symptomatic arguing...."You missed a spot!"
Two truly fine people...Stubborn people...

After I left with my husband to go to Hawaii, they split up...divorced...
Sad, because I've never ever  known such good role models for their own children and other peoples' children as well....except for that shortcoming in both of them!

So I didn't TELL Charlie to do anything....I ASKED him!
....and if he didn't do it, I'd do it....And most of the time, I did a good job.
But, if not, Oh, well.......And he would FIX it!

I SO loved my Charlie!

My parents were good to my children. But Mom, trying to help, would often repeat what I had told my children to do...it was, I felt, up to me to follow up when a request had been ignored or disobeyed..... They didn't need to get it in "Stereo"....  So it really did bother me to have her jump in on my discipline. I feel it important to remember that when in this home with three generations living together.

And I HAVE caught myself doing that very thing! Have I forgotten how it bugged me?These are THEIR children....they are doing quite well without my input...
Billy works long hours, commutes to northern Virginia, comes home late at night.
His children are so excited when he comes home, you'd think he'd been gone for days!  Their bedtimes are unimportant....seeing their dad IS!

The babies love each other...they roll around on the floor, chase each other, bounce on the furniture (mine, too!).... they just enjoy their surroundings and each other unimpeded by a lot of unnecessary limitations.... they are loud, they are happy, they are wonderful!!

So I hope they don't remember me as a killjoy who chases them around in my space and stops them from touching my "stuff"!
My antiques and paintings are, generally out of reach (as well as off-limits). I don't intervene when they're rolling around on the carpet or jumping from sofa to chair, but draw the line at making me coffee in my Keurig, pulling all the tissues out of the box, paddling in the toilet or the dog's water bowl....
(Eating the dogfood is between their mother and them.)

I remind myself they will be grown before I know it, and I will miss those funny little people doing what funny little people do!